And Always, And After
by Booksrgood4u
Summary: During the stillest hours of the night, Nina becomes acquainted with a new facet of her distorted power, and learns that our loved ones never really leave us.


Nina laid awake at night, staring at the ceiling, the first few days at sea having left her drained of tears and emotion, the dreariness of the sea matching the dreariness of her outlook. She wondered if her life would ever feel normal again. If it had ever been normal to begin with, or if normalcy was an illusion that she had only seen when Matthias was around, now the illusion had left her with the harsh reality of her chaotic life.

She tried to still her thoughts, to slow her heartbeat and breathing and find peace as she would have if she still had her Heartrending abilities, only to be painfully reminded that she no longer could. But it was in that attempt at stillness that she first felt it - a kind of warm, safe feeling, a feeling of being protected and loved, and something else that was somehow distinctly...Matthias. She had no other words for it. Her eyes snapped open with the recognition, and the feeling disappeared, even as she clutched at it.

Every night after, she stilled her thoughts and sought that glimmer of Matthias' presence, until she was able to not only sense him, but even converse with him, mumbling to herself in the dark of her cabin. She thought maybe she was loosing her mind. Zoya would mock her for sure, but Matthias had promised her to stay till the end, and always, and after, and he had never backed down from his oaths.

As the days and nights progressed, however, she began to see it as extension of her new...connection with those who had passed on to the next world. Sometimes, she would sense the presence of others - lives lost to the sea and loved ones of the crew, whispering their tales of life and death. It made her feel better to know that she was not crazy, and she thought distantly that she might use this gift to ease the pain of those who had lost their loved ones, and the ease the spirits of those who were not able to rest in peace. She wasn't ready for that just yet, though. As a heartrender, she had learned to heal herself first - not out of selfishness, but because she needed her health and strength to heal others. So she tried to ignore the other, strange voices, and focus on Matthias.

And for the most part, it was easy to tune the other voices out. The familiarness of Matthias' presence overwhelmed the mass of unfamilar presences. There was, however, one particularly persistent voice that called out to her whenever she stilled her mind. Nina had a vague impression of him, as there was something familiar about his presence, but she had tried to tune him out like all the rest after realizing that she did not, in fact, know him. But he was a evidently an insistent little thing - Nina guessed he was a teenager, his presence seemed young, bold, maybe a littly cocky, and determined not to be ignored. She did her best to ignore him anyway as she sought Matthias, but it became increasingly clear that he would not leave her be until he had said his peace, and the day came when Nina could take it no longer.

"What? What do you want?" she hissed into the darkness of her cabin. "And who are you anyway?" she added as an afterthought. Now that she was giving him her attention, she couldn't deny that there was indeed _something_ undeniably familiar about him.

 _Finally._

As always, she sensed the word rather than heard them. Or maybe it was just the exasperated satisfaction the presence emanated that her mind assigned words to.

 _I think you know my brother, miss, I'd like you to give him a message, please._

Nina snorted. A polite spirit. He owed her that, at least, after hounding her so insistently for days.

"All right, all right, I'll try. What is the message?"

 _Tell him I'm sorry._ The voice in her head sounded haunted. _It's all my fault, you know. Ask him to forgive me._

Nina didn't ask what was his fault, assuming that if she managed to find this brother of his, he'd know what it was about. Really, all she wanted was to hear him out long enough that he would leave her alone.

"Alright, anything else?"

 _Yes - tell him he doesn't owe me this. Tell him...tell him that loss of humanity is just tragic as loss of life._

The youthful presence seemed suddenly unfathomably ancient, wise beyond his short years on earth. Nina supposed death did that to a person.

 _Tell him not to waste his life on revenge. Tell him that if there's anything he owes me, even after all the mistakes I made, it's to carry on living for both of us._

She hadn't meant to get invested in this teenagers tale. She really hadn't. And here she was, feeling herself choking up from the intensity of this boy's love for his brother that soaked into her awareness.

 _I was supposed to be a good example to him, you know, that's what Da always said. Tell him I'm sorry I failed at that, too. Tell him I'm proud of him though, for making something of himself, even if it's not what I had hoped we could make of ourselves._

Nina's time easing troubles at the White Rose had done her well, and she drew on that experience, remembering how a serene, compassionate word had often done as well as her Grisha touch at soothing her clients.

"I will try to give him your message," Nina murmered, "and I hope that it will bring peace to you both."

 _Thank you, miss._

Nina could feel the boy's gratitude filling the room, as his presence started to fade.

 _Oh, and tell him to put the moves on that girl of his - she's pretty._

Nina got the distinct impression of a fond grin.

 _My little brother always did fall hard for pretty girls._

"Wait!" Nina gasped, as she felt his presence fade even more, only an intense feeling of relief in shedding a burden remaining.

"What's your name? And who's your brother?"

The presence strenghtened again, just barely.

 _I'm sorry, I thought you knew - I'm Jordie. Jordie Rietveld._

Evidently, he still assumed that she knew his brother. And she didn't think she knew and Rietvelds.

"What's your brother's name?"

 _Kaz Rietveld._

It couldn't be.

 _Oh, wait. I forgot he changed his name - I never did understand why he did that. Er...Brekker. That's it. Kaz Brekker._

A moment later, Nina was alone again, trying to reconcile what she had learned with what she knew of Kaz. The Bastard of the Barrel, indeed. She had no idea whatsoever how she was supposed to deliver this message to Kaz, unable to imagine walking up to him and spouting some words about life and forgiveness to the most ruthless character the Barrel had to offer. And yet...she felt a responsibility. A responsibility to this boy who's love for his brother was not unlike Matthias' love for her - until the end, and always, and after.

Maybe she would write to Inej. If anyone could slip inside Kaz's walls and deliver the message, she could. Nina smirked as she pulled out a sheet of parchment and a pen, remembering Jordie's words about Kaz and pretty girls. And there, as she began to write in the dark of the ship's cabin, surrounded by Matthias' comforting presence, she began to feel a brighter purpose, a silver lining to the dark cloud of her morbid powers - to bring together life and death, and to sow peace in this world and the next.

She didn't need her new powers to know that Matthias would approve.

Thanks for reading to the end!

~Booksrgood4u


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